


Fall in the Light

by einfach_mich



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-21
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-07 01:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/einfach_mich/pseuds/einfach_mich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edina Cullen struggles to hide what she really is, but it's hard to keep her secret when the beautiful new girl at school won't stop staring at you. </p><p>Not all love stories are boy meets girls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Kimpy0464 and Chele681 for being great betas

The dream is always the same. Light everywhere I can see, filling my eyes and washing away everything in the world. Leaving me alone to fall in its formless depths. It's worse than death or hell, this eternal descent into nothing.

I should have known that Bella was going to be trouble, from the first moment I walked into the cafeteria and overheard Jessica Stanley talking shit about me, yet again.

" _Stuck up bitch!"_

The sound of jealousy in Jessica's nasally voice was unmistakable. It's been three months since she tried to choke me with her tongue while we watched _The Notebook._ Alice forces me to watch with her at least a couple times a month, and for some reason she invited Jessica to watch it with us that night. Jessica caught me on a bad night. I was weak, horny and I would have gladly tongue wrestled with Jabba the Hutt rather than watch that trite, emotionally manipulative, piece of shit movie again.

Luckily, her strawberry-kiwi flavored Hubba Bubba saved me from going any further when it slid down my throat and nearly choked me to death. Thankfully, Jessica's screaming woke up Alice, who, despite her size, has a lot of practice giving the Heimlich maneuver to Emmett. He has a bad habit of talking and laughing while eating, which often ruins pleasant family dinners, and holidays.

That night was ruined, too, and I had to send a confused Jessica home with her gum in her hair. I never talked to her about what happened; actually I've never talked to her ever again. Especially after Lauren Mallory tried to use the incident to get a dig on me outside of gym class.

" _You need to leave Jessica alone," Lauren sneered, her lips pulled tight over her crooked, fang-like teeth._

_As I stare up at her, I wonder why no one has ever told her that wearing bright pink lipstick only accentuates the frightening look of her teeth. Alice told me that she overheard Lauren bragging that she refused to get braces, because she didn't want to look like a dork. That just makes me want to laugh, whenever I take in the horror of her uneven shark smile._

" _What are you going on about?" I scowl, as I finished retying my stupid gym shoes._

_I don't know why they won't let me wear my Docs in gym class._

" _She told me about how you attacked her the other night," Lauren laughed as she leaned closer to me, and I panicked._

" _What?" I gasped, looking as shocked as I could manage. "Why in the hell would she say that? I fell asleep before the movie even started. Ask Alice."_

Later, when Lauren asked Alice, my sister did as I asked and confirmed that I had fallen asleep. She even added that Jessica had watched me sleep with a dreamy look on her face, and had tried to cuddle up with me. I really would have rather she hadn't said that last comment, because it didn't take long for word to spread, and Jessica has hated me ever since.

It was my fault, I should have never done anything with Jessica in the first place, and I made it worse by asking Alice to cover for me. For years, I have been hiding behind my sister's expert ability to lie as well as a CIA mole. In fact, to my knowledge, Jazz and I are the only people who can tell when she does it. She has subtle tells; twitching her right eye; looking to the left; or recently, she's started wrinkling her nose.

"Looks like Stanley's got her twat in a knot today," Alice giggled, and I quickly turned to glare at her.

"Alice!" Jasper and I both groaned in unison.

Alice always tries to sound hip when she swears, but it usually comes out sounding messed up and gross.

"What?" She frowned at both of us, and yanked a French fry off my plate. "I got that one from Emmett." She stuck her bottom lip out as she chewed, and wrinkled her nose, like the fry tasted funny.

"Liar," I chuckled, and tossed another French fry at her.

"Definitely," Jazz said catching it mid air and popping it into his mouth.

"Speaking of Emmett, where did he go?" Alice asked, trying to change the subject, while Jazz and I subtly exchanged congratulatory looks over having spotted her lying, again.

"Last time I saw him, he and Rose were headed toward the parking lot," Jazz said, leaning over to steal another couple of fries off my plate.

"Ugh," I groaned, and snatched up my burger before he could take a bite.

Jasper loves to eat my food, but I play along because he's my best friend. Also, he lives with his grandma, and her social security checks barely cover their expenses. I've eaten at Jasper's house, and I never want eat tuna casserole again. I couldn't imagine having to eat her cooking every day.

"Looks like the new girl's getting cozy with Stanley," Jazz said, bumping my shoulder.

I glanced over and noticed that a girl, who I assumed must be the new girl, was looking at me. Her dark brown eyes fixed on me, and I suddenly forgot my name. Jasper yanked my burger out of my hands, laughing at his trick, but I didn't care. I was too busy staring at how her dark hair fell over her shoulders in lazy curls, and how her pale skin seemed to glow in the usually washed-out florescent lighting of the cafeteria. She was gorgeous and...was still staring at me.

"Ed, you there?" Alice patted the side of my face, and I jerked back from her hand.

"Uh, yeah," I coughed, trying to cover up trying to cover up the fact that my cheeks were suddenly flushed pink. "So, we still hitting Port Angeles this weekend?"

I quickly changed the subject, hoping that they wouldn't notice that I was blushing. Alice wouldn't care, but Jasper could never pass up a chance to tease me when I'm acting girlie. Especially since, I relentlessly teased him for having the middle name Leslie. I never let him forget about the time we all got wasted on some whiskey that Emmett snagged from Dad's liquor cabinet. Alice and I tackled Jasper and dressed him up in one of my mom's old dresses. He is actually really pretty, like a prom queen with five-o-clock shadow. Every time he came over, he ransacked my room for the pictures that show Emmett carrying him over his shoulders. The three of us are always pulling pranks on each other; it's just our way.

"Edina Elizabeth Cullen, are you blushing?" Emmett's voice boomed through the cafeteria and I prayed for a swift death. "Sorry, sport, but I owed you for Rose's cell phone."

He dragged his hand through my hair roughly, making me jerk to the side to get away.

"Piss off, Emmett," I groaned as I slapped the back of my hand toward his crotch, but he easily deflected my hand.

Sure, I deserved it. I was the one that stole Rose's cell phone and got Jasper to take a picture of the underside of his balls with it, and set the picture as Emmett's contact picture and slipped it back into her purse. It was just pure luck that I happened to be standing near her in the parking lot when Emmett called her the other day, and she screamed like a banshee. It was, totally worth it.

"Alice, Jasper," Rose pointedly greeted everyone but me, and I rolled my eyes as she sat down on the opposite side of the table from me.

Rose was a selfish bitch, but worse than that, she'd tried to humiliate me last time we all went to Port Angeles.

" _Move, Ed!" Rose sneered at me, with her giant, non-fat, sugar free, vanilla latte._

_I didn't know why she even bothered; it probably tasted like air. I sat down in the one shady spot at the tiny cafe table; so what if it was next to Emmett? She always wanted to dry hump his leg every fucking second they were together._

" _No, I just sat down," I replied, not looking up as I carefully inserted the straw into the tiny hole at the top of my iced mocha. "You snooze you loose, Doll-face."_

" _Don't call me that!" She hissed against the back of my neck, and jabbed me in the back with one of her dragon lady nails._

_I knew that name was a sore spot; her ex used to call her that or some crap like that, but I didn't care._

" _Ed, please," Emmett mumbled, being the pussy-whipped bitch that he always is around her._

_I shook my head. I was tired of Rose always getting her way. Emmett and I used to hang out all the time. We would sneak out of school to go driving and to talk about everything. He wasn't just my big brother, he was my friend; he and Jasper were my only real friends. Then Rose had to come along and take up all his fucking time. It wasn't fair._

" _Stop being a fucking child and move!" Rose growled, and slapped the back of my head._

" _Fuck you, SLUT!" I screamed, swinging around and dumping my iced mocha all over her legs._

" _YOU STUPID BITCH!" Rose screamed, dropping her drink, and started wiping at the front of her designer jeans._

" _That's going to stain," I laughed, and got a punch in my arm from Emmett as he jumped up to help Rose._

" _You selfish fucking DYKE!" Rose hissed it at me, her eyes wide with rage._

_There's only one word that she knows will bring me close to violence and that's the reason she used it. She knows how humiliated it makes me feel, especially in public. I know, because Emmett told me that he'd warned her about using it. She knows about what happened back in Healy, and she knows that I can't STAND that word._

_I stood, my fists up, but Emmett was already standing in front of her. His face was a mask of anger._

" _Go wait in the car." He said it in such a cold voice, that I had to stare at him a few minutes to believe he was really talking to me like this, to me._

_I finally gave up, took the keys from his outstretched hand and did as he told me. I'm never going to mean as much as she does to him. That was more than enough of a good reason to hate Rose._

"I'll see ya later, guys," I mumbled, getting up from the table and walked toward the exit.

"Meet you by the Vulva after class," Jasper called after me.

I hate it that Emmett's nickname for my car has stuck. I love my brother, but sometimes I want to drive a stake through his skull. I don't say anything as I approach the table where Jessica and the new girl are sitting.

"Bella, stop staring," I could hear Jessica hiss, and I took a chance.

Her eyes were even prettier up close, bright and dark at the same time. They made me think of milk chocolate. I could almost taste it on my lips. I wondered if she tasted as sweet as she looked. The thought brought me back to my surroundings and I quickly looked away and rushed out of the cafeteria.

_I am not doing this again!  
_

* * *

I sat at the old upright piano in the back corner of the music room, plunking the keys and trying to discern just how badly out of tune it was. We'd been in Healy for almost two months now, and everyone loved it. Dad was getting settled in at the Alaska Native Medical Center. Emmet finally had a place where he could actually use his Range Rover in the way it was intended, and Mom and Alice had a giant three story house to redecorate however they wanted. I, on the other hand, was miserable, as usual. I never fit in, no matter where we moved.

"Can you play?" Tanya Roberts was leaning against the piano, her long blonde hair laid like a smooth shining blanket down her back.

She was gorgeous, sweet, and the most popular girl in our tiny school.

"Yes," I practically whispered, trying to not stare at her, but she was the first person who talked to me.

Most of the other kids just stared at me. Alice told me that a lot of them were put off, because when I first arrived, they all thought I was a boy. It happened a lot. Mom always dismissed it by calling me a tomboy, and Dad said that it made it easier on him, since Alice was more than enough of a girl for the both of us.

"Will you play me something?" She slid onto the bench beside me, and I could hear my racing heartbeat thundering in my ear.

"Um...sure," I gulped and quickly scrambled to think of what to play.

I've always known that I liked girls, from my very first crush in fifth grade. Mrs. Pearson. She had the softest hair I'd ever felt. It used to brush along my cheek whenever she leaned over to look at my work, and I would steal sniffs of her latest shampoo scent. Strawberries, vanilla cream, coconut. Mrs. Pearson always smelled like food, which is weird when you think about it. At the time, I just thought, it meant that I was in love. Tanya smelled like baby powder, which wasn't as pleasant as Mrs. Pearson, but it still sent shivers through me.

My fingers started to move over the keys, and I was relieved to hear that most of them are in tune. As I continued to play, I glanced at Tanya, and her eyes were closed. She smiled and bobbed her head in time with the music. I couldn't help but smile, as my minds filled with the lyrics, though I stifled the urge to sing them for Tanya. I just focused on the notes, as David Bowie sang inside my head.

It felt like this song was written for me. I've always felt like an alien. Just like that sad girl sitting in an empty movie theater, watching her life play out in front her, but never being able to fully participate. I wasn't like the pretty girls in those movies, and I don't want to be. I don't want to fall in _love_ with the hero. I want to _be_ him. I want to save the girl. I want her to kiss me.

As I reached the end of the song, I looked at Tanya again, and she was staring at me. She looked like one of those girls, like a movie star or a princess. When she smiled at me, I wondered if she understood how I felt. If she felt as out of place as I did. Maybe she'd been waiting in this tiny Alaskan town for a girl like me to come and play her this very song. She opened her mouth, and I held my breath.

"That was great," she said, clapping her hands. "Do you know any Amy Grant?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Can I sit here?" Bella's Swan's voice was as pretty as her eyes.

"Um, sure," I mumbled, shifting my stool toward the window and away from the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.

Mr. Cole was rambling about single celled organisms, and I began to think about my plans for the weekend. I could pass the end of class quiz even if I was half asleep and blind. I've been studying ahead of my grade for years. It's a habit that my mother got me into, she's a retired teacher and always encouraged me to excel. I flipped open my notebook, and began to jot down some notes, just so it would look like I was paying attention.

A gentle breeze swept the scent of strawberries and cream over me. My mouth started to water and I regretted letting Jasper eat most of my lunch. I glanced at Bella and found her staring at me again.

_What was this girl's problem?_

"We're going to break into groups to list out the phases of the cell cycle," Mr. Cole's words that sent terror screaming through my brain.

"I guess I should introduce myself," Bella said, her voluptuous lips forming each syllable as if she was kissing each word. "I'm Bella."

"Ed...Edina," my voice made the most embarrassing squeaking sound as I spoke. "Everybody calls me Ed." I tried to cough away the frog in my throat as she smiled at me, and my heart jumped into my larynx.

"Ed," she said my name like she was trying out the taste of it, and I felt myself become uncomfortably turned on by the idea of Bella tasting me. "That's cool. I like your bracelet."

She reached over and touched the engraved leather cuff that Emmett had made for me in shop. He'd made one for both of us, to make up for flattening the tires on my Volvo when he took it off-roading in the woods behind our house. I had earned that by putting a sparkling, bright pink vanity plate covers on his Range Rover. It wasn't my fault that it had taken him two weeks to notice they were there. Even then it took Jasper asking him how long he had been a "Barbie Girl."

"Thanks," I croaked, as Bella's index finger traced the lines of the Cullen family crest on my wrist cuff, and I licked my lips. "I suppose we should get started."

"Don't bother," Bella said with a shrug, pulling her hand back and tearing a page from her notebook. "We covered this before I left Phoenix. I already wrote down the list."

"Great," I swallowed, as she slid the paper across the table to bump against my forearm. "I guess we can just hang out till the end of class."

"I'd like that," she said, as her cheeks turned a rosy shade of pink that spread down her neck and below the collar of her gray t-shirt.

_I wonder how far that blush goes._

"So," I breathed out slowly, panicking about what I should say, and all that my mind could conjure up was different ways to tell her how beautiful she was.

_Which I should not do under any circumstances._

We've only been in this town for a little over a year, and I was not about to screw things up again. I tried to think, but I kept getting distracted by Bella's mouth and the sound of the rain beating against the window next to me.

_Phoenix! She said she was from Phoenix!_

"I bet this weather is quite a change from Phoenix," I managed to get out, finally ending the silence that was stretching out between us.

"You're not seriously asking me about the weather!" she laughed, brushing her thick hair over her shoulder and another wave of Strawberries and cream slapped me in the face. It's her; that mouth-watering scent was coming from her.

_Of course._

Her eye's glittered as she laughed at my stupid question, and I wanted to slam my head against the table.

_I'm really batting a thousand with this girl._

Not that I need to get anywhere with her, because I wasn't going to do anything with her. I had a plan and I was sticking to it, no matter how much my heart wanted to explode every time she smiled at me.

"Uh, sorry," I sputtered, like an idiot, and tried to figure out what to say.

"Nice shirt," she said, her finger extending toward my Pixies t-shirt and coming dangerously close to my left boob.

"Yeah," I replied dumbly, hearing a miniature NASA engineer counting down the seconds to impact in my head. "I have a patch, too!" I jerked to the side, clumsily deflecting her hand with my arm, and reached to grab my backpack and dropped it on the table between us.

"Oh," her voice was a bright chirp, but I couldn't see her face over the large mass of my patch and safety pin-covered backpack. "Black Flag? Cool! Where did you get this?"

I had to force myself to breathe, knowing that she had enough musical knowledge to not only know who Black Flag were, but also to like them made me light headed.

"I order them online," I managed to say, while I watched her fondle the patch of every obscure band that I love. She even made little faces at ones that were more popular, but didn't say anything to me - the sure sign of a music snob.

I was in love, except I couldn't be - not with her; it was not part of my plan. No girls, no relationships at all, until college, when I could get away from small towns and little minds. A place where nothing I did could ever hurt my family.

_The word DYKE was spray painted in huge red letters across the side of my silver Volvo. Dad bought me that car for my sixteenth birthday. I had been so proud to drive it to school all by myself._

" _I can cover it?" Emmett asked, his beefy hand gently cupping the back of my head and I pressed my face into his chest. "I have some black spray paint in the garage. We'll do it to the Rover, too, and tell Dad some stupid kids at school did it to a bunch of cars."_

" _It won't matter, everyone at school saw it already," I sniveled like a big baby into his t-shirt, and wished I could be stronger, at least in front of him._

"So, what do you do for fun around here?" Bella's beautiful smile was making me weak, and I couldn't afford that.

"I don't know, I stay in a lot," I mumbled, as Mr. Cole approached our table.

"Did you girls finish?" He asked with an earnest smile.

"Yeah," I matched his smile, and handed over Bella's notes.

I glanced past him to see Tyler lean over to say something to Angela and her face immediately crumpled. Angela was the first girl who was nice to me when I got here, but I tried to keep my distance. Her whole geek girl thing had the potential to work for me, so I thought it was best to keep my distance from her. That didn't stop assholes like Crowley from giving her a hard time every chance they got. They didn't need a reason, I just happened to be an easy one. I immediately picked up my pen and threw it right at his head.

"Ouch!" Tyler screamed shrilly as my pen hit him in the temple.

"EDINA!" Mr. Cole yelled; his face filled with shock and disappointment.

I didn't even bother to explain myself. I picked up my hoodie and backpack, and followed Mr. Cole to his desk. I accepted the pink office pass, scrawled with his angry handwriting, and headed for the door. I glanced up at Bella as I walked from the room; she was still smiling at me, and I wished so hard that she would stop.

* * *

I walked out of the office, with a letter informing my parents that I would be spending the next week in after school detention, and requesting their signed acknowledgment. I tried to think of what I could give Alice to get her to forge Mom's signature. I still had that leather skirt that I bought in my last failed attempt at dressing like a girl. I had worn it with a cut off Ramone's t-shirt and a pair of knee-high Doc Martins, and ended up looking like a "super tramp," as Emmett put it.

"Ed," Angela called out to me, and I tried to not to panic.

"Hey Angela," I said, stopping so she could catch up with me.

"I just wanted to thank you for what you did," she looked so earnest and sweet.

"It was nothing, Angela," I shrugged, avoiding looking her in the eye, and saw Alice walking toward me with a smirk on her face. "Hey, I really need to talk with Alice."

"Okay, well I just wanted to thank you," she looked embarrassed, and I felt like an ass.

"Cool," I mumbled.

I was wishing that I could say something to make her feel better, when I noticed that Bella was standing in the hallway too, a few feet behind Alice.

_When it rains it fucking pours._

"Angela," I said, turning back towards her and chewing on my bottom lip.

"Yeah?" she answered, staring at me through her adorable square-framed glasses with a hesitant smile on her face.

I'd worked so hard at not being too nice or friendly with Angela for fear that I would somehow accidentally lead her astray, but now it seemed so silly, and a little mean. For some reason, knowing Bella was there made me brave.

"Tyler is a douche. You shouldn't listen to anything he says," I said placing my hand on her shoulder, and feeling relief when nothing happened.

She was just a girl, with a shoulder, and my hand was there, and the world didn't end.

"I know that Ed," she chuckled, but still showed her worry as her eyes lowered to the ground.

"Angela," I sighed, sliding my hand under her chin, and feeling nothing more than friendly concern. "He is never going to bother you again, I promise."

I was going to talk with Jasper and Emmett. They both hated Tyler, and would have no problem with putting the fear of god into him. People like Tyler needed to be taught a lesson, before he got out of hand. Bad things happened when boys like him were allowed to bully nice girls like Angela. I knew this better than anyone, but I had been too concerned about my own reputation and trying to be above it all. Now, I couldn't ignore the situation; the pain in Angela's eyes reminded me of something that made my chest hurt. Girls like Angela should never feel this kind of fear.

"Tyler? What did that shitbird do now?" Alice broke into the conversation, giving me a wink as she looked between Angela and me.

"We need to talk," I growled, grabbing her arm and pulling her away. "Bye, Angela."

* * *

"Tell me about San Francisco," Tanya said in a dreamy voice, as she put her bare feet on the dashboard, and slid her hands behind her head.

"Again?" I laughed, and she rolled her head to the side, and reaching out her thin hand to touch my arm.

I sighed in contentment as I stared out of my windshield at the Denali National park. It was even clear enough to see the snow-capped peaks of Denali in the distance. I engaged the emergency brake, just to make sure the Volvo wouldn't roll off the edge of the pull off, where we were parked. It was a little-used road leading into the park, and the pull off was obscured by an outcropping of huge glacial rocks. No one could see us from the road, and we could clearly hear them pull up, before they would get close enough to see what we were doing. It was the one place that Tanya and I could really be alone.

That's why we came here to celebrate. As soon as I heard the news about California's State Supreme Court ruling that overturned the ban on gay marriage, I had driven the ten miles to her house at 70 miles an hour. Luckily her parents were in town doing church business, otherwise I think that Tanya's father would have had a coronary seeing the way I tore up their gravel driveway and came to a dirt-spraying stop in front of the house.

Tanya ran out of the house yelling and flailing her arms at my crazy driving, but I just laughed as I ran toward her. I was too high on the news and what it meant for us. Tanya squealed my name as I picked her up in my arms and kissed her right there in front of god and everyone. It was really happening. The world was changing. Right at that very moment, gay couples were standing on the steps of the San Francisco courthouse getting married.

"Please," she cooed in her high breathy voice that always made me shiver.

We had been together for over six months, but we hadn't gotten further than kissing and touching each other over our clothes. Love was easy with Tanya, but she was still hesitant about the physical part. When I confessed my feelings for her, she had cried with happiness. She said that she felt the same way, but then I ruined everything by trying to kiss her. She freaked out and ran from the room.

It was my fault for trying to rush her; I was just so excited to finally have someone to love. I learned my lesson and slowed down after that incident. It was another couple of weeks before we tried kissing again, no tongue. Two weeks later, we finally had our first real kiss. It was amazing. I laid awake in bed the evening after that kiss and replayed it in my head a millions times. She was worth the wait, because I was so lucky to have her.

"Before school starts we're going drive to Anchorage, and sell my car to buy plane tickets to San Francisco," I began to repeat the plan, turning my head to look at her, and I smiled. "We'll probably have to get odd jobs and find a place."

"And we'll apply to Berkley," she corrected me.

Tanya was convinced that we were both going to get into college, though when I asked her how we would pay for school she just said we'd find some kind of scholarship. She wanted us to study music together. Tanya dreamed about being a famous opera singer and believed that I would become a great composer. I didn't tell her that I would much rather be a rock star or even a simple songwriter, but there was time to get her warmed up the idea.

"Right," I agreed, and kissed her palm. "We'll have a tiny apartment overlooking Haight and Ashbury."

"It will be like our own Woodstock," she giggled.

"Kinda, except that was rock concert in New York," I laughed, and she immediately frowned. "I'm just teasing, baby."

I leaned over, ignoring how the emergency brake was jabbing me in the side, and kissed her soft lips. Tanya moaned, and the sound vibrated through my whole body. I pulled back, not wanting to push it too far, but she grabbed the front of my shirt.

"Tell me the best part, please," she whispered, pulling me closer, and I felt my heart jump into my throat.

"Then I'm going to make you my wife," I spoke softly, smiling down at her, and she smiled back.

"I want us to do it," she said in her breathy voice, taking hold of my hand and sliding it under the waist of her jeans. "All the way."

"Really?" I asked, my throat was dry, and I could feel my hand shake as she slowly unbuttoned the front of her jeans. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," she replied with an even bigger smile, and raised up to brush her lips over mine.

"I love you," I whispered, slowly sliding my fingers along her smooth, warm skin.

* * *

I was lying on top of Bella Swan, on the wet lawn of Forks High School. My thigh was between her legs, and my face was inches from her luscious mouth. The same mouth that was a constant presence in my dreams. Right now it was in the shape of a perfect "o."

_Oh, the things I wanted to do to that mouth._

"You saved me," she whispered, her eyes growing equally as round as her luscious lips.

The sound of her voice shook me from my stupor, and I suddenly heard all the commotion. People were yelled our names and running towards where we lay sprawled in the grass.

"I just...I don't...sorry," I stuttered, shifting to my knees.

I'm not making any sense; I think I'm in shock. I could feel the moisture from the wet grass seeping through the knees of my jeans. I still remember my last thought as I saw Tyler's van hit the ice patch, and went sliding toward Bella.

_NOT HER!_

I had dropped my beloved backpack and ran as fast as I could. I tackled her, and we rolled out of the way, just in time. Something went wrong when we hit the ground, and my foot hit at the wrong angle. It was throbbing, but I didn't care. I just needed to get away from this gorgeous girl before I kissed her, because right now, there was nothing that I wanted more in the world than to know if Bella Swan tasted as good as she smelled.

"BELLA!" Angela was at our sides, touching Bella's face and looking pale as a ghost.

"I'm fine," Bella groaned, and it was like a switch went off. Bella was fine, and that was all I needed to know.

The last thing I remembered was her shocked look as everything went black.

"Ed!"

_Bella even sounded pretty when she screamed._

* * *

"Edina," the sound of my father's voice was the first thing I heard, and it made me wish I'd died.

"Dad," I croaked, as his hand smoothed over my forehead, and I hoped to god that no one else was around. "I'm fine."

"You could have been killed," he spoke in a gentle tone, but his face said everything his words didn't.

_Why are you drawing attention to yourself? Why can't you be normal? Why do you always mess up everything?_

My father never said anything like that out loud. He didn't have to, I've always known that he blamed me for the having to leave Alaska and for...Mom. We never talked about it, but that didn't stop me from feeling the guilt every time he looked at me.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, looking past his head to see Chief Swan.

"Hey, Carlisle," Chief Swan spoke in his usual gravelly voice, and I gripped the thin sheet covering me. "Can I talk with your daughter for a minute?"

"Of course, Charlie," my father replied with a bright smile, and stood up from his seat.

"Edina," Chief Swan spoke to me for the first time.

He'd been to our house a few times since we moved here, usually to talk about hospital stuff with Dad. He seemed nice, if a little quiet. As I stare into his warm brown eyes, I started to see the similarities between him and Bella. Suddenly, I could see how someone could find a guy handsome. In theory, at least.

"Please call me Ed, sir," I corrected him, and then felt like a complete ass.

"All right, Ed then," he laughed, a wide grin spreading over his face, and I think it was the first time I'd seen him smile. "I just wanted to thank you. Bella told me about how you saved her and I that's no small thing. Not a lot of people would be able to think quick like that in an emergency."

I fought the urge to tell him that it had nothing to do with thinking. In fact my brain hadn't been in the driver's seat since Bella Swan had walked into my life. I didn't say anything, I just nodded as he continued to praise me, in a way that still sounded like a lecture on how to be a good citizen.

"Well then, I'll let you get back to it," he said, standing to shake my hand in a crushing grip, and continued to smile as he nodded at my dad before leaving.

"That was very nice of him, don't you think?" My father said with a cheerful smile, and I gave him my best fake smile as I looked down at my gauze-wrapped ankle.

"Can I go home?" I asked, as I tried to move my leg off the bed, and was relieved when it didn't hurt too much.

"Yes, of course," he said walking around to offer his hand to help me. "Emmett's waiting outside to drive you home."

He helped me sit up in bed, and I swung my feet over the edge while he grabbed my boots. I was about to take them from him to attempt to put them on when he scooped me up into his arms.

"Dad, no!" I yelped, but he just ignored me as he pulled the door open and walked me over to the nurses' station. "Can I get a wheelchair for my daughter?"

"Bring in the Gimp!" Emmett howled with laughter as he walked up and I prayed that my dad would just drop me on my head.

"Emmett please," Dad groaned, as one of the nurses wheeled up the chair and he set me down in it. "Take her straight home. She should not put any weight on the foot for the next day or two. I'll call the school."

"Yes sir," Emmett saluted our father as he moved behind the chair. "Can I get the hero some pizza pie for dinner?"

"Yes," my father said kneeling beside the chair. "I think she's more than earned it."

I stayed silent as he kissed my temple before standing and sending us on our way. Emmett pushed me down the wide hallway at a break-neck speed, but I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it. I was too busy wondering about how I'd messed up so bad. We slid sideways to stop in front of the elevator, while he hummed the theme from Mission Impossible and hit the down button. The doors opened after a half second and I nearly swallowed my tongue.

Bella Swan and Chief Swan were standing in the elevator. I couldn't stop staring at the large gauze pad taped to the side of Bella's forehead. I wondered how she'd hit her head, and if it hurt.

_If she lost her memory of me, would I be sad or relieved._

"Ed," Bella squeaked, looking as startled as I was as she stared at my ankle. "Are you okay?

"I'm fine," I said, waving my hand as Emmett wheeled me into the elevator, and noticed she was staring at him. "This is my brother Emmett."

I pointed at the doofus who was making fake car sounds as he adjusted the position of my wheel chair.

"Yo!" Emmett said, as he simulated the sound of an idling car engine.

"Hi," Bella said, her eyes darting around nervously, before finally settling on her father's amused expression. "This is my dad."

"Emmett," Chief Swan gave my brother a strange look, and then looked down at me. "Ed." He nodded at me, then added a quick wink, as he returned to staring at the elevator doors.

I just wanted this prolonged humiliation to end as soon as possible.

* * *

"Bells, are you sure you're not hungry?" My dad asked me for the tenth time since he got home.

"I'm fine, Dad," I sighed, and headed up the stairs. "I'm going to take a bath."

"Well, just give a holler if you change your mind," he called up the stairs after me, and I ran the rest of the way to the bathroom.

After I locked the door behind me, and started the water, I allowed myself to breathe a sigh of relief. I walked over to the bathroom sink, and took look at myself in the mirror.

"Bleh!" I grunted. I looked horrible.

My hair was a damp knotted mess; there were even a few clumps of dirt and grass still stuck in places. There was a huge smear of dirt on my cheek, that made my skin look even pastier than normal. The right pocket of my flannel shirt had been torn off, and there was a large tear in the sleeve of my denim jacket, exposing my left elbow. My jeans weren't torn, but they were caked with dirt and grass. I was a mess.

I carefully peeled off the gauze bandage that Dr. Cullen put on my forehead. It was really nice of him to put it on even though I wasn't actually hurt. I could tell that he thought it was really funny, but he didn't laugh. Unlike my father who, once he was sure I was okay, had to leave the room to get his giggling under control. I crumpled the bandage, and tossed it into the trashcan, before braving a look at myself again.

"Shit!" I swore softly as I traced the edge of the nickle-sized imprint that the button from my denim jacket cuff had left on my forehead. It clearly read: "Levis."

I had been standing beside my truck, my messenger bag on the hood, as I pretended to be looking for something, while covertly watching Edina Cullen. She stood next to the back bumper of her Volvo with her backpack hanging from her hand as her green eyes stared right at me, almost like she knew I was watching.

I couldn't help but remember the first time I saw Edina, when she walked into the lunchroom and Jessica got a strange look on her face. I tried to turn around to get a look at Edina, but Jessica told me not to look or she would know we were talking about her, and she didn't want to give Edina the satisfaction. She told me that Edina was a stuck up bitch who was too cool to talk to anyone, and that she spread rumors about people.

Jessica looked like she was going to cry. When I asked if she was all right, she just shook her head and pretended to look for something in her bag. As she checked her make up in her pocket mirror, I glanced over my shoulder to see if I could spot Angela through the large windows of the lunchroom. Jessica and Angela had been the first people that I'd met at school, and they couldn't have been more opposite.

Angela told me that she usually ate outside, and I originally intended to sit with her, but Jessica had stopped me. I tried to explain to her that I was going to meet Angela, but she just pulled me toward her table, insisting that it was better to stay inside. She said that she needed to give me the "low down" on everyone. After ten minutes of her dishing dirt on every person in the lunchroom, I lost my appetite and I was trying to think of a polite way to escape.

That's when I caught sight of someone looking at me. Actually, it was more like staring than looking at me, and I immediately stared back, because she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her green eyes were so light that they almost looked like they glowed, and there was something about her unruly, dark reddish-brown hair that made me think of James Dean. Her lips were small and pink. Her nose was straight and beautiful, with a thin silver nose ring glimmering like a jewel on the side of her flawlessly shaped nostril. She looked like she walked out of a Calvin Klein ad, even though I could tell she wasn't wearing any make-up. Everything about her was...beautiful.

I could have stared at her all day and never found a flaw, but her sister, Alice distracted her. Jessica started saying nasty things about them, like how Alice was a nosy liar who gossiped all the time, and how Alice's boyfriend, Jasper was weird because he lived with his crazy grandmother. When Emmett and his girlfriend came through the lunchroom door, a teacher told them to stop kissing. Jessica made a disgusted sound and told me that he was Edina's brother, Emmett. She told me he was dangerous, and to stay away from him.

" _Apparently, Emmett's the reason they had to move. He got into some trouble back in Alaska," Jessica whispered as I watched Emmett walk over and mess with Edina's perfect hair. "He assaulted a church pastor. It had to do with something very sordid that happened with the pastor's daughter. My father wouldn't give me all the details. Though, he did say that the girl got shipped off to some mental hospital, and that Dr. Cullen had to pull a lot of strings to keep Emmett out of jail. I guess you can do whatever you want when you're rich."_

I stared at Emmett's big, brilliant smile, heard his loud cheerful laughter, and wondered how he could be the violent jerk that Jessica was making him out to be. She moved on to talk about how Rose was a spoiled Daddy's girl whose family bought their way into everything.

I started to tune Jessica out, and I noticed someone walking by our table. I looked up and was again staring at Edina. She seemed to be even more gorgeous up close, and I wondered what it must be like to be that pretty, or if she even knew how beautiful she was. Jessica hissed at me to stop staring, and then Edina looked right at me. We stared at each other before Edina abruptly turned and ran out of the lunchroom.

It had been a week since that day, and I was utterly confident that Edina Cullen didn't like me. Although I had no idea why, but the evidence was undeniable. Ever since that day that we talked in class, she had been pointedly ignoring me every time she saw me, while still randomly staring me.

I didn't believe Jessica when she said that Edina was stuck up; the girl who had thrown a pen at Tyler Crowley's head when he had whispered something that made Angela look like she was going to cry, could no be stuck up. Edina had gotten a week's detention - Angela explained to me after I saw her talking to Edina in front of the office.

" _What happened?" I asked, as I watched Edina drag her sister down the hallway toward the library._

" _It's hard to explain," Angela said, looking really uncomfortable. "Tyler's a jerk, that's all you really need to know."_

She was wrong, there was plenty more that I needed to know about Edina Cullen. Why she couldn't seem to stand me, or at least couldn't seem to stand being in the same room with me for longer than a few minutes? I had lost count of how many times I'd entered a room just in time to see Edina Cullen stare at me before abruptly walking out. I didn't get it, especially after that weird incident with her sister Alice.

" _Hey Bella!" Alice yelled as she dropped down from the stairwell right next to me and startled me so bad that I dropped my books._

" _I've got it," Jasper said, as he appeared beside me and bent down to pick up my stuff._

" _No, really it's fine," I insisted, kneeling beside him to take the books from his hand._

" _Just trying to help," he smiled as he said it, and I felt silly for taking them._

" _Thank you," I mumbled, as Alice waved her hand and took my arm._

" _Bah! Don't worry. Jasper is just old fashioned," she laughed, as she pulled me through the hallway. "Likes to open doors, and meet parents before going on dates. It would be annoying if he wasn't so darn cute. Right, honey?"_

" _It's a fact, I am adorable," he replied with a wink. "Cuter than a basket full of kittens on Christmas."_

" _Now you're just being silly, no one's that cute," Alice giggled and turned back to me. "I just wanted to make sure you were settling in okay."_

" _Okay, uh...thank you," I stuttered, not sure why she was being so friendly all of sudden._

" _You're in biology with my sister Ed, right?" Alice sounded funny, like she was interrogating me._

" _Yes, we're lab partners," I replied, staring at her from the corner of my eye._

_Jasper was giving her a look, too, and I wondered if I should be worried. Maybe she was setting me up for some kind of practical joke._

" _Great!" Alice said with a clap of her hands, and came to a stop in front of my English class just as the bell rang. "Better get in or you'll be late. If you need help with your homework, or you just want to hang out, give me a call."_

_She slid a piece of paper in my hand and pushed me through the doorway to my class._

Later that night I called Alice, but Edina answered and asked how I got her cell phone number. When I explained that Alice had given me this number, and she told me that it must have been a mix up. Edina got really quiet after that and then explained that her father needed her before hanging up on me.

The next day she was back to ignoring me in class, until I was standing in the parking lot and noticed she was staring at me like I had two heads. I felt like an idiot for staring back, but I just couldn't figure her out. Then, suddenly, she was running across the parking lot, screaming my name at the top of her lungs as she slammed into me so hard I almost puked. We tumbled across the lawn, and came to a stop with me on my back and Ed on top of me.

When I could finally breathe again, I was staring up into Edina's sparkling green eyes. She had the most amazing eyes I have ever seen, and they are ten times more dazzling from such a close perspective. She was all flushed and breathless, with her thigh pressing against me. I shuddered at the memory.

_That was strange._

I sighed as I turned off the water for the tub, and started to get undressed, taking a silent inventory of all the new bruises I'd acquired. One bruise on my left elbow, two on the back of my left thigh, and it felt like there was another one on my back, but I wasn't sure. I sat down on the edge of the tub and slid my legs into the hot water, savoring the sting while my skin got used to the temperature.

My hands slid down my thigh as I remembered Edina laying between them. A shiver shot through me, making me lose my balance and fall into the tub. Water sloshed over the sides as I struggled to keep my head above the surface and flailed like a drowning rat. I grabbed the edge of the tub, righted myself and rolled my eyes at the mess I'd made of the bathroom floor.

I leaned back, figuring I would clean up the water when I was done, and stretched out my legs. This felt good, relaxing. This was exactly what I needed, I thought, as I closed my eyes. The water was still making little waves that washed up over my chest, and I started to think about how firm Edina's chest had felt pressed up against mine. I could remember how she stared at me as her leg shifted between mine and another wave of shocking pleasure shot through me.

I immediately sat up in the tub, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs. I closed my eyes and let myself remember it again. It was like I could feel every part of me that was touching her, like my skin was on fire. It made me want to press against her more, and when I looked at her face I felt this strange mixture of nausea and excitement. I knew this feeling, it's not like I haven't felt like this before. I mean, I've had crushes. I still get dizzy every time I watched that one part of the BBC's _Pride and Prejudice_ , when Darcy swims through that murky pond, and there was that time I kissed Mathew Dennis under the bleachers after school. All of that was NOTHING compared to how I felt with Ed.

That first day in biology, Edina had accidentally brushed my hand with her arm, while she was showing me her cool band patches. It felt like an electric shock. At first, I thought it was just that, random static electricity, but eventually, I realized that it wasn't. I liked her, like REALLY liked her, and now that I knew, it was so obvious. For as much as Edina's been avoiding me, I've been seeking her out. I had been telling myself that it was just because I thought she was cool. After all, we had similar taste in music, and she was a great lab partner, even though she barely spoke to me.

I wasn't dumb; I knew, or at least I suspected, that Edina wasn't into boys. You could have dismissed her clothes and appearance, but I had spotted a small, faded rainbow patch on the bottom corner of her backpack. I noticed that she never talked to any boys, other than her brother and Jasper.

I even asked Angela if Edina had a boyfriend. She made a strange face and choked on her orange juice, but once she could actually speak, she said that she didn't know, but there were rumors. Then she got this sad look in her eyes and said that I shouldn't always believe rumors. I wondered what she meant, until I remembered, when I saw them talking outside the office.

At the time I tried to tell myself that they must be really good friends. That had to be why Edina had lashed out at Tyler - to protect a friend? Angela's strange behavior after their conversation confused me, and I felt hurt when she wouldn't give me a straight answer. I realized now that I hadn't been hurt that Angela wouldn't explain the situation, I was jealous. As I watched the way Edina touched and smiled at Angela, I felt my stomach twist in knots. I wanted Edina to talk to me or touch me like that, but I knew it would never happen, because for some reason Ed hated me. Or at least I thought she did; now I wasn't sure.

She saved my life, and even injured herself doing it. Dr. Cullen said it wasn't that bad, that she'd be as good as new in a few days, but still, she could have gotten hurt a lot worse. Why would she do that for someone to whom she'd barely spoken? She always seemed so uncomfortable around me, especially at the hospital.

I tried to be nice as we all stood there in the elevator. I glanced at her, trying to figure out how to start a conversation, but she just ignored me and stared at the doors. Her face was fixed in an annoyed grimace as Emmett fussed over her. He was so sweet, making his funny car sounds whenever he moved her wheelchair. I even spotted him carefully tucking the tag of her t-shirt back into her collar. Edina had jerked at the touch of his hand, slapped his hand away, and asking what he was doing. He told her he was measuring her back hair as he smiled and winked at me.

Edina called Emmett a name that I've never heard before, though it was obvious that my father had. He made the most embarrassing squawking sound as the elevator doors opened, and he coughed as he told them to settle down. Emmett chuckled and patted my father's back. I walked up to Edina, but before I could say anything more, Emmett appear next to me. Edina told him to get a move on and suddenly they were racing down the hallway as Emmett hummed the Mission Impossible theme loudly.

"Bells, are you okay in there?" my dad's voice startled me from my thoughts and made me splash even more water all over the place.

I wanted to tell him _no_. I was far from okay. I was in love... with a girl who apparently wanted nothing to do with me. I was the polar opposite of okay. I was sitting in a tub of lukewarm water, with tears sliding down my cheeks.

"I'm fine," I called back and splashed some water on my face. "I'll be out in a few minutes."

I watched the shadows at the bottom of the door. I could clearly make out his feet as they moved back and forth.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, and I knew he was still worried.

"Yes, can you heat up some of the leftover spaghetti for me?" I watched the shadows stay still for a second.

I wasn't hungry, but I didn't need him worry any more than he was already.

"Okay," his voice sounded a little defeated, but the shadows finally disappeared, and a few seconds later I heard him walk back down the stairs.

I needed help, someone to talk to, but they only other person I knew who would understand wasn't talking to me. I would figure something out; I had to. I climbed out of the tub and nearly slipped on the wet floor. I clung to the towel rack as I regained my balance, and immediately tossed the extra towel on the floor. I grabbed my towel and started to dry off.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and I could tell I'd been crying. My dad's eyes were sharp, and he would notice my bright red nose and bloodshot eyes. I opened the medicine cabinet, and pulled out some eye drops. I carefully dropped them into my eyes and let them soothe away the sting. I blinked away the drops in my eyes and stared at the thin cracks in the ceiling.

Something started nagging at me. There was a piece of the puzzle that just didn't fit. She had saved my life. If Edina really wanted nothing to do with me, then why did she bother saving me? It just didn't make sense, but I clung to it. You don't save the lives of people you hate, do you?

_No. No you don't._


	3. Chapter 3

"Please Elizabeth, lower you voice," my father sounded strained as he pleaded with my mother.

"I don't know how you can be so calm!" My mother yelled, her face was bright red as she stared at my dad.

I hated it when they fought, but this was worse, because it was all my fault.

"Tanya is going to be fine. I checked her myself," he spoke calmly, and tried to touch her, but she slapped his hand away. "I'm not talking about _her._ I'm talking about your daughter."

"Edina is shaken up, but I think she will be fine," Dad didn't let up; again he tried to get closer to her, but she stepped back from him.

"This isn't just going to go away, Carlisle," she said, shaking her head. "This is a serious problem."

"What do you suppose we should do?" He sighed heavily and stood still.

"Tanya's father told me about a clinic, maybe they could help her," her voice was softer, and she was looking at Dad with a hopeful look.

I bit my lip, and held my breath, fighting back the tears. I would go to whatever hospital they wanted, as long as they stopped fighting.

"You cannot be serious!" I had never heard my father use that tone before with my mother.

"Do not use that condescending tone with me," she said, her voice became frantic, and I tried to fight back the panic that seized me.

"Have you completely forgotten Utah? How many of those poor kids I saw come through the ER? Those places don't help kids! I can't even believe you would suggest it." He was angry; I'd never seen my father like this before.

"We have to do _something!_ " She looked so worried, I wanted to run from my hiding spot to comfort her. Promise that I'd never do it again, but I was too afraid to move.

"I can't lose her, Elizabeth," his voice cracked, and my mother's features softened as she touched his face. "When they called me to the ER, for a split second I thought it was Ed. I can't go through that!"

"I don't want that either, that's exactly why I think we should consider it," my mother said it quietly, as my father looked at her. "She is a strong girl, but what kind of life will she have?"

"I am not sending my child away," my father shook his head.

"Who's being sent away?" Emmett barged into the living room, and I wondered where he'd been hiding. "You're not talking about Ed are you? Dad, you can't do it!"

"Emmett you don't understand the situation," my mother said in a comforting tone, as she touched his arm, but he yanked his arm it away.

"No, Mom you don't understand! There is nothing wrong with Ed!" He was yelling at her, his face was twisted in anger. I'd never seen him talk to Mom like that, Ever.

"EMMETT!" My father yelled at him, another first.

Emmett stared at him for a few minutes, and I held my breath. Finally, Emmett started to walk away from them.

"If she goes, I go," he yelled, as he stormed out of the room.

"See this is what I'm talking about!" My mother screamed, as Emmett stomped into the hallway, and I scrambled to hide before he saw me. "How can we take care of our children, if you don't respect me enough to listen to me?"

"Elizabeth, this isn't about us. This about Edina," my father's angry voice echoed around me, and I tried to press myself against the wall.

"Do not talk to me like I'm a child, Carlisle!" My mother yelled, as Emmett's foot collided with my leg, and I grunted in pain.

"Ed?" He whispered, and I tried to crabwalk away from him, but he caught my wrist. "Come here."

I struggled, but it was pointless; he was too strong. He pulled me up into his arms, and I let him hug me, wishing his arms could muffle the sounds of our parents yelling.

"Your hair's getting awfully long," he laughed, gently brushing my hair away from my eyes, and I hissed as his fingers brushed my bruised cheek. "What the hell?"

I froze as Emmett cradled my face in his huge hands, and tried to not panic.

"It was my fault," I sputtered, and tried to pry his hands off my face.

"Who did this?" his voice was so low, it made goosebumps crawl up my arms.

"Paster Roberts, but it was my fault," I tried to explain, but it was too late.

Emmett wasn't listening. He kissed my forehead and walked out of the house, slamming the front door behind him. Ten minutes later, my mother did the same thing.

* * *

"Hi," Bella greeted me with a shy smile as I sat down at our table.

"Hi," I muttered, trying to look busy with my backpack as I fished out my notebook and pen.

"Your ankle looks better," she said, leaning close, sending the scent of coconut and lime wafting toward me.

_What, did she wash herself with fruit every day?_

My mind painted a vivid image of Bella carefully scrubbing her naked legs with a wedge of lime. I completely forgot about everything else, until Mr. Cole clapped his hands together dramatically.

"We've got a film to watch about reproduction," he said, as his glasses slid down the bridge of his nose, and someone behind us gave a wolf whistle. "Settle down. I assure you this will be rather clinical and far from Hollywood's idea of _sexy_." He made air quotes with his fingers as he said that last word, and I wondered if he's been spending too much time around his students.

"Ed," Bella whispered as the lights dimmed and Mr. Cole turned on the TV.

"Yes," I whispered back, and gave her a sideways glance.

"I...I just wanted to thank you," she said, her small hand sliding over my arm as she looked into my eyes.

It was like a livewire pressed to my skin, burning me while making me shiver and tingle. Bella's beautiful brown eyes bore into me, and all I could think of doing was kissing and touching her more. My brain was screaming at me to pull away, while my body was telling me to lean closer. I swallowed, and tried to speak, but all that came out of my mouth was stuttered exhale as Bella slid her hand up my arm and curled her fingers around the base of my bicep.

"Lesbos," someone hissed from behind me. I tore my arm out of Bella's grasp, and spun around.

Mike Newton looked shocked as I leaned over and grabbed him by the throat.

"Fucking shut it, or I will tell everyone about how you jizzed in Lauren's hair at the beach party," I growled in his face, before letting him go and turned back around.

Bella's smile quickly faded as I scooped my chair away from her and moved my back pack between us. Mike would keep his mouth shut, I was sure of that, but I couldn't afford to slip up again.

* * *

_Dear Edina,_

_I heard the news today. In fact, I was at the church with Daddy and the rest of the congregation watching them tally the results. I can't describe to you the despair I felt as they announced that Proposition 8 had passed and my family cheered with joy. Your the only other person that can understand how this feels._

_I'm sorry that I didn't meet you yesterday. I know I promised, but Daddy's been very watchful of late. Mother thinks that I am sad, because of seasonal depression, whatever that is. She's talking about sending me to stay with my grandmother in Memphis. I don't know what to do. I've tried to act cheerful, but I just can't lie anymore._

_Why should I try? Nothing is ever going to change, and maybe it shouldn't. Maybe we are meant to live in the shadows, because what we do is unsightly in the eyes of God. Father says that God loves all his children, but I don't feel it anymore. All I feel is wrong. I love you, but I don't know if it's right._

_I have to go before I'm late for bible study. I love you, and I'm sorry._

_Tanya_

I found Tanya's note tucked between the keys of the piano in the music room. I was so worried. It had been a week since Prop 8 had passed and all our plans of freedom went up in flames. Tanya and I were supposed to meet up to talk, but she keep standing me up, and after I read her letter I had a terrible feeling.

After school I drove to her house, I didn't see either of her parent's cars. I ran to the front door and knocked on the door. There was a note, addressed to her parents, taped to the door, but I went ahead and read it. All it said was _I'm sorry_.

I dropped the note ran into the house screaming her name, but no one answered. I rushed up the stairs and headed for her room when I noticed that the carpet outside of the bathroom was soaking wet. Panic filled me as I threw open the door.

Tanya was lying peacefully in the bathtub, her golden hair floating around her beautiful face as water streamed over the side. Her bleeding wrists tinted the water around them a faint pink. She looked like she was sleeping.

"Tanya!" I screamed, pulling her out of the bathtub, and set her down on the bathroom floor. "TANYA!"

I was hysterical, but somehow I was still able to yank a towel off the rack and wrap it around out her bleeding wrists. Her skin was pale, but I could still see her chest rising and falling.

"Edina," she mumbled, her eyes fluttering open, and I leaned down to look at her.

"What were you thinking?" I cried, as I kissed her cheek, and she rolled her head away from me.

"No," she whimpered, I felt a sick, cold feeling twist inside my stomach. "It's wrong. So wrong. We should have never..."

"I love you," I whispered next to her ear, but she just cried harder, and shook her head.

"What in th-" Her father rushed into the bathroom, and kneeled over her. "TANYA!"

"DADDY!" Tanya cried and reached out for her father.

"Baby," he cried, as he pulled her close.

"I'll call for help," I stuttered, as I pulled out my phone.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed at me, as he pulled Tanya into his arms. "Did you do this? DID YOU?"

I shook my head, but I knew it was a lie. I did do it. It was all my fault. When the back of his hand collided with my cheek, I took it, and tried to not cry out as pain exploded through my face.

Once I'd managed to get away from Pastor Roberts' rage, I called emergency services and thirty minutes later I was sitting on a hard plastic chair in the emergency room waiting area. I was staring down the long hallway that led to the patients' rooms, and watched Tanya's father yell at my parents. He was pointing at me, and then at them. When I saw my mother's look of shock and embarrassment, I had to look away.

My attention was drawn to the sound of someone speaking. I looked up at the TV hanging from the ceiling in the corner of the waiting area. A news correspondent was speaking, but it was the words "Gay Marriage" displayed in white below him that caught my eye.

" _... centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage."_

I watched him speak with passion and emotion. He was talking about people _just like me._ I didn't know him, and yet I felt like he knew me, knew my pain.

" _Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work. And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling."_

I sat in the uncomfortable plastic chair in the waiting room, the ice pack that the nurse had given me laid forgotten in my hand. Tears streamed down my face while listened to this man whom I had never met plead with the rest of the country to give people like me a chance to love.

" _You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate._

_You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it."_

* * *

Everything was _finally_ starting to go well. After our confrontation in biology, Mike Newton avoided me for the rest of the week. Jasper and Emmett had a little talk with Tyler, which resulted in him changing every class he shared with Angela. Poor Ms. Cope was still complaining about the fit he threw when she didn't let him out of biology; he took study hall instead.

Speaking of Angela, she and Ben Cheney were well on their way to being a couple, thanks to Alice arranging a study session with them, and then conveniently forgot to show up. She was really good at the whole matchmaker thing. All I had said was that Angela need someone to make her happy, but Alice kind of had a talent for make a whole lot of something out of nothing. Even Bella had stopped trying to talk to me in biology, that just made me feel a mixture of relief and sadness. I wasn't going to focus on that right now, because it was Saturday, and I felt like celebrating. Unfortunately, my family had abandoned me.

We were all supposed to go to Port Angeles, but Jasper and Alice went to Seattle to go shopping, which meant that he was going to watch her shop and they were going to make out afterward. Rose's parent were out of town, which means that she and Emmett would be humping like rabbits all weekend. So I was left at home. The only option I had left was to go to Port Angeles, by myself.

"Been awhile," Algie greeted me with a nod as I walked through the door of the First Edition bookstore.

Algie was great, if a bit of an oddity for a small town. She was a liberal, sarcastic, open-minded adult that didn't treat me like a stupid kid. I stumbled across her bookstore once while trying to find a coffee shop. When I walked through the door, Algie took one look at me, and told me to follow her. I thought her behavior was weird, and for a second I wondered if she was coming on to me. As I followed her through the store, I quickly dismissed the idea. She came to a stop next the self-help section, and reached over to pull out a thick, soft cover book.

" _What is this?" I asked._

" _What you're looking for, of course." She laughed, shaking her head._

She walked back to the counter, as I stood there holding a copy of _Best of the Best Lesbian Erotica_.

I've stopped by the shop every weekend since that day, until lately. My recovery from the accident kept me away last weekend, that and being distracted with girls I shouldn't be thinking about, right now.

"Hey, Algie," I said, leaning against the counter. "It's not my fault that I've been scarce. I had a run in with a van."

"Is that what the kids are calling it?" she said, with a smirk. "If I had a dollar for every _van_ that I've ran into..."

"You still couldn't afford to buy a cup of coffee," I replied, laughing as she picked up the latest _featured_ book from the counter, and swatted me with it.

"Hey!" I continued to laugh as I snatched the book from her hands and read the title. "Vampires Desires?"

I gave her a smirk, and raised my eyebrow, waving the trashy paranormal romance at her.

"I have bills to pay," she growled, snatching the book out of my hand, and slapped it back down into display. "We just got in the new Susie Bright."

"Oh, cool," I smiled, pushing off the counter and walking toward the Erotica section, that she kept hidden in the Self-Help section of the store.

"I hope this one isn't chock full of cock, like that last one." I called over my shoulder, as I rounded the corner, and started searching the for the new title.

The door chime sounded, but I was too busy searching through the titles that I'd already bought from Algie to pay any attention to it. This whole celibacy thing was hard to keep up, but these books and the lock on my bedroom door had really helped.

"Hi," Algie greeted the customer with her cheery _professional_ voice, and I suppressed the urge to laugh. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I'm looking for something about, or I mean for, teenagers," Bella's unmistakable voice rang through the tiny bookstore and I suddenly felt like was having a heart attack.

"We have plenty of books for teenagers," Algie replied, and I could hear the smirk in her tone. "Are you looking for something specific?"

I crept along the bookshelf, palms sweating as I tried to make as little noise as possible.

"Um...well, I uh..." Bella sputtered, just as I was able to peek around the corner. "I was looking for something about uh...being gay."

Bella's pale skin was bright pink as she leaned across the counter. Algie had the same amused expression that she wore the first time I met her. I didn't find anything funny about this situation. I glanced at the door, which was easily five feet away. I started to slowly creep toward the exit, while Algie kept Bella busy.

"Ah," Algie said with an exaggerated exhale. "I think I have just the thing to help you. Ed, I think we need your assistance."

I had almost reached the entrance; I could see the street outside, and for a second I contemplated just making a run for it.

"Oh," Bella gasped, and I knew there was no escape.

"Yeah," I said, turning around to look at Bella who looked just as embarrassed as I felt.

_Lovely._

"Ed, could you do me a favor and show her to the Gay YA section?" Algie said with a smirk.

She was enjoying the hell out of herself, suddenly deciding to play match maker at the worse possible time ever.

"Sure," I said with a shrug, and walked toward the back of the store, not waiting for Bella.

Algie was clever. She put this section in back corner of the store knowing that most people in a small town would be interested in the popular fiction and religious books, both of which are at the front of the store. Back here, she kept comic books, rare art books and sex education books for teenagers. I walked past the towering collection paperback collection of back issues of the X-Men to two shelves near the floor.

"Are you looking for a specific book?" I asked, trying to act casual, despite the tension in my back.

"I don't know," she whispered, kneeling down beside me. "What do you recommend?"

I could feel her body heat next to me, and I tried to ignore her denim-covered knees that were mere inches from my own. I reached over to the shelf instead. I grabbed _Down to the bone, Keeping you a secret,_ and _GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens_ from the shelf, and handed them to Bella.

"These are a good start," I said, standing up and waited for her to get up, too.

"Thank you," she said, as she stood up and immediately stumbled.

"Bella," I blurted out, grabbing her around the waist, and we crashed into the bookshelf.

I was pressed against the warm soft body of Bella Swan, and all I could see are her huge brown eyes, plump lips and bright pink cheeks. I was inches away from her mouth. I could smell the faint floral scent coming from her thick hair.

"Edina," She sighed, covering my face with her peppermint breath.

I jerked back, putting as much distance between us as fast as I could. I stooped down to pick up the books and took them to the register.

"Oh, you found what you were looking for?" Algie asked, looking smug as she winked at me.

"Yes, harpy," I hissed, as I pulled out my wallet and paid for the books.

"Thank you, come again," Algie said, in a bright cheery voice as I pulled Bella out of the store, the bag of books in my other hand.

"Where are you parked?" I asked, stopping abruptly in front of my car, and scanning the line of cars.

"I didn't drive," she mumbled, pulling her hand from my grip, and I turned to look at her. "I got a ride with Angela and Ben."

She was staring at her feet as she talked, and I felt like a jerk.

"Where are they?" I asked, gently touching her cheek with my fingers, before I realized what I was doing.

"I'm supposed to meet them at some Italian restaurant," she said, looking up at me with that same breathtaking smile. "I don't have to, though."

"Do you want me to give you a ride home?" I asked, and immediately wondered what was wrong with me, but it was too late.

"Yes, please," she said, her smile widening and making my heart rate triple.

I guided her to the passenger door, opening it for her and stared at her legs as she slid into the passenger seat. I closed the door, took a moment to catch my breath, cursed my weakness, and regained my composure before walking over to my own door.

"You should probably tell them that you got a ride," I said, climbing into my seat, and I placed her books on the console between us.

"Done," Bella said, as she finished punching keys on her cell phone, and slid it into her pocket.

"Right," I sighed, started the car and pulled out of the space without bothering to look.

Bella screeched over the wail of honking horns, as I pushed down harder on the gas and smirked. I weaved through the traffic, continuing at my usual insane speed, which made Bella turn an impressive shade of green.

"SLOW DOWN!" She finally yelled something coherent, and batted at my arm. "I'm serious!"

"Don't distract me," I shot back at her, cutting across two lanes, and blowing past a stop sign to get on the on ramp to the highway.

"I think I'm going to be sick," she complained, and I immediately felt guilty.

"Should I pull over?" I asked, glancing over at her, and she was gave me a strange worried look as she shook her head.

"No, I'll be fine," she said, turning to look at the dashboard, and I felt even worse.

This was my problem, my mistake, and it wasn't fair to make Bella suffer for it. We rode along in silence. I watched the dark road, occasionally glancing at her beautiful profile as she stared out her window. This wasn't going to happen, I told myself. Not that it was happening, because Bella and I barely knew each other. She was just a girl I knew from school.

She was the most beautiful and interesting girl that I had ever met, who was turning from her window to stare at me. She looked at me like she was in love with me. I could see her taking stock of me as she watched me:

Scuffed black Doc Martens. _Check!_

Dark denim jeans, with cuffs. _Check!_

Oversized Sonic Youth t-shirt. _Check!_

Black hoodie. _Check!_

Nose ring. _Check!_

Artfully messy hair that's trying desperately to copy Johnny Depp. _CHECK!_

I am a walking cliché. _Or driving cliché, rather._ I might as well have the words _baby dyke_ tattooed across my forehead. My whole plan to hide what I am was stupid and pointless. It was never going to work, especially when Bella Swan had me turned all around.

"I know about you," Bella broke the silence with her sweet voice.

"Anyone who's spent ten seconds with Jessica Stanley knows about me, Bella," I replied, wishing that she would let this all drop. "Is that why you went book shopping?"

"Kinda...yes," her voice had a distinct tone of guilt. "I just wanted to know more...about what it's like."

"What do you mean, what it's like?" I couldn't stop the bitter laugh from coming out. "Is this some kind of experiment for you?"

"No!" She gasped, leaning toward me. "I just...I want to..."

"We're not doing this, Bella," I cut her off, down shifting, and jam my foot down hard on the gas to push the needle past 70.

"Are you afraid?" She asked, her hand sliding over my thigh and I nearly ran off the road.

"No!" I said, yanking her hand off of my leg. "Stop fucking with me. You're not gay."

"Do I have to be?" She had a strength in her voice that I'd never heard from her.

"That's kind of how it works," I laughed, and shook my head at her insanity.

"Why?" She argued, like a crazy person. "Why can't we just like each other?"

"Bella, I am gay!" I yelled, slowing down the car and pulling to over the side of the road, before I killed us. "This isn't like dyeing your hair and dressing different. I was born this way. It's not something you just try out. This is who I am."

"I know," she was looking at me again, and I was terrified.

"I don't want to hurt you," I told her, touching her face.

"You won't," she insisted, stubbornly.

"This isn't an easy life. Bad things happen to people like me," I argued, as she put her soft fingers on my cheek.

"I don't care," she leaned in close, and all I could see was her face. "I like you, Edina."

"Ed," I sighed, closing my eyes, but I couldn't escape her. "Bella, this isn't going to work."

"How will we ever know if we don't try?" she spoke quietly, her breath brushing against my lips, and my brain screamed for me to stop.

Meanwhile, the rest of my body revolted in mutiny against my brain, begging me to give in and kiss her.

"Bella," I began to protest, but I was cut off by the feel of her lips against mine.

Nothing had ever felt as smooth, warm and delicious as Bella's mouth. I was moving my own lips over hers in a second. I slid my hands around her face, and as she leaned closer, as my heart pounded inside my chest. Then it happened: Bella's tongue slid past my lips and into my mouth. I groaned as pleasure exploded through me. She gasped, and I responded by grabbing her waist and pulling her over the console to straddle my lap. As she sat astride me, her mouth opened over mine and her hands curled into my hair.

It was like the dream, everything else in the world had been swept away. I was tumbling head over heels, falling through nothing. Suddenly the fear was gone, replaced by elation. I was falling, but not alone. Her body was my anchor, and I clung to her with all my strength, as we fell together.


End file.
